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When I began homeschooling my third child in December of 2018, the first week was not pleasant! Homeschooling was not my optimal choice, but it was needed at the time. My daughter and I were attempting to navigate new roles and I was combining where she had had two former people into one: teacher and mom. There were meltdowns and conflicts and we were not moving together but rather pushing away from each other all day. She would resort to tears and I would default to attempting to force or control. We finished assignments but often without actual learning or emotional connection. We did finally get in a groove to complete tasks and go our separate ways, but a few weeks in my middle child (her older brother) came to me and said, “Mom, do remember the consequence bags you had for me and my brother? I think our little sister needs to understand it too!” He was seeing things in her during play that also showed she needed help with cause and effect in relationships. The brothers (5 and 7 years older) even agreed to participate in the consequence system for her sake when they were around. This provided her with models as well to go along with her own experience! So, I backed up and went through my therapy stuff and what I kept from when the boys were younger and took his advice.
Parenting can make us tired and exhaustion can make us very inconsistent; I can say this system (once I re-engaged with it) did help us all remember valuable lessons about consequences and helped us connect relationally rather than just focus on behavior. Learning about cause and effect in tasks transfers to relationships. Sharing in consequences both “wanted” and “unwanted” draws us together even in disagreements by giving us times to remember that we all make mistakes and what it feels like to learn from the unwanted consequences as well as the wanted ones. It also robs the world of any false accusations that can come with too much solitary confinement.
**NOTE: these consequences are NOT for lying or outright disobedience like pretending to be doing something you were told to do while doing something different or hearing you say “Don’t touch that” and then looking directly at you while going and touching. Those actions require swift, strong responses previously decided and agreed upon by both parents. These consequences are for things like whining, for dragging out a task without asking for help, for doing something half-way or with floppy arms rather than strong ones. Sometimes it can be for just being a kid and making a mistake but needing to still learn a lesson; for not trying to do something with solid effort; or for thinking and spewing lots of negative stuff about a task before considering what is involved and just trying. Using these little slips of paper lets a ‘time-out’ keep its power and keeps the child from being in ‘time-out’ all day. It helps keep parents more consistent and not have to think up consequences on the spot every time. More importantly, it connects the child with more people in both “wanted” consequences as well as “unwanted” ones.
Key Thoughts for Parents about Consequences:
In life, natural consequences rarely exactly fit the original action. Sometimes they can be too harsh; other times not harsh enough. Sometimes they are extravagant; others times they don’t meet what was expected. However, there is almost always some consequence or effect of every decision or action. We must choose whether we prefer a “wanted’ consequence over an “unwanted” consequence no matter the size. A child drawing a consequence from a bag is more like real life than parents just doling them out. This process also increases consistency when parents are tired and don’t want to think up a consequence. The unknown helps both the parent and kids understand these truths together. There will likely be a moment when your child draws the slip with “Grace” written on it from the unwanted bag, and you will need to excuse yourself to get a grip because you wanted wrath to be unleashed. Unfortunately, I speak from experience!
Consequences often don’t just affect one person. “Unwanted” ones trickle over to other people and “wanted” ones often overflow multiplying blessing. To help children experience this, package some items in the treasure box in doubles- one the child can keep and one they can give. When they draw the “treasure box” slip and then draw a double; help them think of who to bless and how.
This is a scaffold for families to build on! Some will label the consequences “wanted/unwanted; others will say “added to life/ removed from life”; still others will use “blessings/corrections” Some parents have actually paid into the “General fund” from their own purse or wallet when a child drew “Grace” as a reminder that with the ultimate Grace, the Price was still paid by Christ other than the offender. Some families use “Grace Slips” to stand for “no consequence” while other parents have actually blessed with a “wanted consequence” …this is up to the parent and the development of child’s understanding. Going in levels and building on it is great — starting with no consequence, then with teaching and acknowledging someone else is paying what you owe, and then with realizing you are getting something you do not deserve and have not earned.
This last thought is a big one! The others can be articulated to kids when the time is right but even at 43 years old, this one requires supernatural assistance for comprehension. Even correction consequences are grace! Grace encompasses both correction and forgiveness! The same Grace placed the angel guard to prevent re-entrance to Garden of Eden that resurrected Christ from death on the cross. They were both to keep us from living forever in that condition. I am going to depend solely on Hebrews 12:5-7 from the Passion Translation to describe this: “My child, don’t underestimate the value of the discipline and training of the Lord God, or get depressed when he has to correct you. For the Lord’s training of your life is the evidence of his faithful love. And when he draws you to himself, it proves you are his delightful child. Fully embrace God’s correction as part of your training, for he is doing what any loving father does for his children. For who has ever heard of a child who never had to be corrected?” I hope you will read the whole chapter but I want you to look at 1) truly embracing correction for yourself and for your child 2) every child needs correction -it is not just you and not just your child 3) there is only One Perfect Parent and none of us were meant to take His Place - even in the life of our child. We imitate God when we imitate His parenting to both correct and to give and pour blessing. For further study, Isaiah 1 especially verse 18 depicts more of God as the Perfect Parent, but I leave you with Revelation 3:19 -” Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline…”
Now let us go forth into this ongoing activity!
Key Target: Cause and Effect
Items Needed:
2 makeup or pencil zipper bags from the dollar store (or decorated brown paper bags) . You must not be able to see through them.
A coin pouch for each child. (These are great for Easter baskets or stocking stuffers; just use ziplock bags with names decorated until the holiday celebrations)
Pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters
(Optional) Treasure box with some items doubled and packaged together
PLAtime’s Consequence Helper Free Printable
PLA Steps:
Download this: free printable.
Cut the slips and put the left column (unwanted consequences) in one zipper bag and the right column (wanted consequences) in a separate zipper bag. These should be easy to travel to maintain consistency at park, etc. Have each child share ideas for 1 or 2 consequences to add to each bag. Parents determine if the suggested consequences can be added.
Give each child 2 pennies,2 dimes, and 2 nickels to put in their coin pouch.
Put all leftover coins in a ‘general’ ziplock bag to use for redeeming the slips.
When a child shows praiseworthy attitude and strong effort, have them draw from the “wanted consequence” Bag. When they show poor attitude or lack of effort, have them draw from the “unwanted consequence” bag. If the child is younger than 5, redeem the slip immediately. If older, you can have them hold all slips in their coin pouch until the end of the day and redeem during an afternoon snack. During redemption discuss what they could do that night and the next day to get more “wanted consequences”.
When a child draws “lose a toy”, place the toy in a bin or bag that is unavailable until a rainy day. Toys that are “lost” or not picked up at the end of the day go into “rainy day container”. Everyone gets “freed” the next time it rains. When you notice on repeated rainy days that items are not pulled out of the container, consider they are likely ready for donation or packing away for a younger sibling.
May you draw nearer to your child even in correction; may you enjoy each other more; and may you PLA well!